‘Does he miss you too?’
‘I wouldn’t know’
There’s this thing about breakups when you are emotionally self-aware: It sucks. Why? Because you know you are grieving but you also know the logic behind the decision. There is no resentment or hatred there. You are, on some level, able to understand why this happened and genuinely want the best for the other person. You try hard to hate them in the hope that it makes moving on easier. But, sweetie, that’s not how it works. This feeling is akin to feeling empty, just with occasional ‘sigh’s.
A friend recently told me that this way of processing grief with logic is an integral part of adulting. It is, probably, also part of the journey towards better emotional maturity. You know that you don’t own the other person. You know that if they choose to stay, then you should be grateful that they did. This works both ways, by the way. One of the best things to come out of the GenZ-Dating culture shift is this - the realisation that people have free will. There are two ideas that I have been thinking with this background.
‘Love’ is a verb, not a noun. You choose to love the other person every day, just like you did it the first time. Even when you guys had a spat and things got pretty ugly, you come back to the table and choose to ‘love’. There is something empowering about this idea, which lets people be their messiest, sloppiest, most broken-down version with each other. The vulnerability that one feels when doing so is probably unmatched and bloody scary.
The second idea is one of time. I have always resisted and fiercely advocated against the concept of having a timeline to life. ‘By 24, you gotta have finished college; by 27, you ought to have a stable partner; and by 30, you should have put a ring on it.’ Just no. As someone who swims against this societal timeline daily, I think this timeline thing is complete bollocks. It is never too late to do something, really. The world doesn’t depend on me adhering to the societal timeline on life events. I am just one tiny person among seven billion others and nobody really bothers. Switching careers, taking a sabbatical, reconnecting with that friend and apologising, deciding to take calculated risks — one can do anything if they shed the notion of ‘time’ in their lives. For all we know, we could be dead this afternoon. I wouldn’t want the last thought that fleets in front my eyes as life leaves my soul to be one of immense regret. Would you?
Human beings are social animals. I spent a good chunk of my 20s trying to prove that I don’t need anyone. It took quite a bit of therapy and a couple of groups of friends to make me understand that hyper-independence is a trauma response. Now I am comfortable asking for help, accepting it and keeping my heart open for people. I also, somewhere, realise that a good reason for me existing on this realtime hell site is also the people I have. And for that, I will forever be grateful.