What if I said about 80% of “my people” are those whom I found online. Some of them, I have met in person and are now part of what I call my “chosen” family. Many, I have not met yet. But they know me better than some do in real life.
In recent times, I have been reading articles on online connections, intimacy, how it is okay to just hang out without an “end goal” and thinking a lot more about it. I am not here to dissect these pieces. They are wonderful reads. I am here, however, to mull over a few conversations and some thoughts.
I’d say the Covid-19 pandemic changed my life too. It introduced me to stellar people while giving me a chance to reset and start “life-ing” again. It gave me spaces where I could just be me. I have people who are trauma-aware, kind, smart and funny online. They let me take up my space when I badly need it and tolerate me when I am wild. It redefined what intimacy, trust and bonding meant. A meaning that ended up being more dynamic than ever.
A few days ago, I had this chat with a dear friend on “Dating in these times”. What’s so radical you ask? Well, the internet.
We were talking about how people make it work these days. What are the odds you find that person whom you vibe with and feel safe with and find attractive and have similar values, in the same town you live in? And by some magical algorithm you find them somewhere else that’s not prohibitively far away but still far away, do you persist and enjoy what you have or do you let it go and go on a wild goose chase?
In those days, days when our (my friends and mine, basically) parents got married, there was a template - people meet and then the woman (mostly) moves to the man’s city/town and then they build a life together there. But now? Women, men and people have their own dreams and career goals. Nobody reached where they are easily and all of us have had to battle it out on some level to be where we are. In that scenario, is it fair to expect the other person to let go of all their work till then and move someplace else to build a life together? How do people date these days at all? These are the questions we were soundboarding with each other that morning.
A couple of days after, I saw a reel on Instagram (which, of course, I am unable to track down and hyperlink it here) which said we are the first generation to move away from conventional relationship templates and figure out new ones that work for us. That rang a bell, mildly put. It is true!
Aren’t we the group of people that won’t be buying a house or retiring in the same job that we started our careers with? Aren’t we also the group of people who understand that love is not finite and is to be shared as much as possible? Aren’t we also the same group of people that redefined love?
So. Many. Things!!!
So, yeah. Maybe that was a step in the right direction - understanding that relationship dynamics change as the era changes. There is not a single right way here. There are several ways to do it and what matters is whether it works for the people in it or not. Maybe it is a shade on the conventional idea where patriarchy asserted that a man’s dreams are more valuable than a woman’s. But, may be, it is also a gradual evolution to a point where we value and respect the ambitions, grind, labour and emotional investment of everyone in the relationship equally.